Of Bumblebees and Coyotes
by vanillasummer
Summary: Arranged marriage fic: the reluctant couple; the guilty parents...Pure crack. Be warned. Chapter 1: Arranged marriages and spy!Yoruichi next week: Sibling awkwardness


"Shaolin Fon." the voice of the head of the Shihoin clan booms across the large throne room.

Shaolin winces.

As an assassin, she doesn't like flashy things by principal, so the Shihoin clan is a big shock for her.

How can they live like this?

When she was adopted by the clan at twelve Shaolin had detected some form of ulterior motive. She was noble but not noble enough to associate with the Shihoin clan, who's power was legendary. She was strong, and some brave fools would even call her pretty, but she was nothing to write home about.

"Shaolin Fon," he says quieter now,"As the last member of the Fon clan, you're the only one I can ask to do this mission."

Shaolin feels the ground fall from beneath her. Soi Fon, her grandmother was the last Fon to die from old age. Her father had been caught spying in the courts of Hueco Mundo and was executed. Her mother had died in childbirth and her brothers had been killed one by one in border skirmishes with the hollow king Barragan and his army.

Shaolin swallows, gripping the fabric of her kimono like a child grips a blanket.

"I-will give my life to our people," she says and carries on silently, "my life is yours."

She bows deeply.

The head of the clan gazes down at her with kind eyes, wondering why his own daughter can't be that polite,"This is what you must do," he says gently.

* * *

"You want me to do what?" Stark exclaims, in a rare burst of energy.

"I said I want you to marry the princess of the Shihoin clan." lord Barragan says, lounging on his lavish throne.

"Oh you have got to be kidding me." Stark mutters under his breath. Somewhere in the far corner of the throne room Grimmjow is sniggering and Nniotora is snorting in amusement.

Stark does not find this amusing.

"Your highness, I cannot be expected to-"

"You can, and you will." Barragan says, already loosing interest in the conversation. He rises, his red and black robes of state swirling around him like a cloud. He leaves the hall in a flurry of activity, Stark feels rather overwhelmed.

"Hey Stark, congratulations!" Grimmjow sniggers sarcastically. Stark glares angrily at Grimmjow,

"Shut it Neko chan." Stark replies sardonically, his composed air settling upon him once again.

Grimmjow scowls unhappily.

* * *

"What the hell is are you doing?!"

Yoruichi slams her fists down on her fathers study desk. Her father notes the splintering of the fine teak desk.

She's angry.

"I understand that we need to protect our people," she says calmly, trying to control her temper,"but why the hell are you giving Shaolin away!"

His calm manor and unchanged demeanour calms her down a little.

"Why father?"

"Shaolin is to be an observer for the clan." he starts, Yoruichi gasps imperceptibly, knowing how dangerous this is, "The emperor suspects that lord Barragan is planning a rebellion."

"So you're sending little Shaolin to get married to a psychopath. Right."

"Yoruichi," her father sighs reluctantly, rubbing his forehead in an irate manner,"sit down."

She sits.

"Shaolin has been trained since she could walk."

"So were her brothers." Yoruichi snorts under her breath, her father gives her a scathing glare, and she stays silent, at least for the moment.

"She has had time to master the techniques of the Fon clan," he continues,"but to improve she'll need experience."

"But father...!" Yoruichi exclaims, immediately forgetting her vow of silence.

"That is enough Yoruichi!" he yells, the rare sound piercing the walls.

"Fine then!" she jumps out of her chair,"if you don't listen, I guess I'll have to tell the emperor MYSELF!" she runs out of the room.

"That girl..." he sighs exhausted, he gets back to work on writing the correspondence to the emperor. He was half way through when Yoruichi interrupted.

_'I will accept the proposal you have suggested. A link between our forces would be truly beneficial given the times, I will trust you to take care of her._

_On the note of my daughter, I think she may try something- spare her, she is in a very confused emotional state._

_Yours truly_

* * *

_Three months to go._

Lillynette is bored.

Stark is in the court, probably getting told off by king Barragan. Tia Harribel, gave Lillynette free run of her castle when stark dumped her here this morning.

So now she's sulking by the fish pond cursing silently at her stupid big brother.

He's so FULL of himself.

_"Strongest espada in the world...blah blah blah blah blah." _

So _what?_

He's still an idiot who can't get out of bed unless you force him to.

Lillynette is behind large, green fronds of bamboo and hidden from the world. Lillynette hears footsteps coming towards the fish ponds and just barely suppresses a giggle.

Lillynette is a spy. Everyday Tia's fracciones come here everyday to gossip, probably because they think it's safe.

_As if._

The first time Lillynette heard that they thought her brother was _hot._

**_BLECH!_**

Then the second time they talked about gross stuff, like **kissing** and **boys**.

Today they were talking about Stark again.

"He's getting married! To a princess!"

Lillynette almost keeled over in shock.

No way. It wasn't like she was girly or anything but princesses were cool! They could sit and look pretty and stuff!

That didn't sound as good as she thought it would.

* * *

_Two months and two weeks till the wedding._

"Raise the alarm! There's an intru-" too late, a drugged knife is embedded discretely and masterfully in the back of the royal chamber guard , sending him sprawling quietly onto the floor.

Yoruichi grins wildly.

The adrenaline is rushing through her veins, _her first ever mission. _She pulls out the keys from under the guards robes, and slides them into the keyhole, only to discover the door is unlocked.

Her sixth sense is telling her that something is wrong. The emperors security shouldn't be this lax, but she penetrated his castle in less than a day.

She walks into his bed chamber, aware of everything around her. It's dark in the room and the huddled figure of the emperor is covered in silk sheets. He's fast asleep.

If she were here to kill him he'd be dead by now, but that's not what she's here for.

She ponders how to wake him up without alerting the guardsmen.

_Screw it._

She walks up to his bed and pokes his butt.

He wakes with a high pitched yelp. He doesn't look anything like she thought he would. She expects someone tall, noble and imposing.

Well, 1/3 isn't bad.

He rubs his dirty blonde hair slowly and looks up and down her skin tight cat suit, specially made to avoid hampering her movement. His eyes are fixated on her chest, he whistles appreciatively.

"Damn..."

* * *

**Authors note**

**The first chapter of the first fanfiction I'm actually serious about, the pairing is _very, very_...messed up...I think it would work.**

**Shaolin _does_ change her name to Soi Fon in the next chapter, but we'll get there when we get there.**

**As for Yoruichi and the emperor...**

**Well it should be pretty easy to guess who the emperor is, if you can't you really must read more bleach. I think I made it pretty obvious.**

**The characterization is very bad because I suck at writing stories, but I'm trying to communicate the idea of the pairing rather than giving an amazing story-which I could _NEVER_ do. If you like the story please review, it would make me really glad if someone actually thought this was good enough to talk about.**

**Sorry for the ramblings, I talk a lot when I'm sleepy...it was one in the morning when I finished this.**


End file.
